I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
When did angry sex become our thing?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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