I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
