totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
