the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
