Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize