There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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