True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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