As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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