I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
