I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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