Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
