That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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