one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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