I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
