The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
