Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
