I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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