Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
