first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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