dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
