I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
