I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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