just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
