I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
