so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Randomize
