my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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