Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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