First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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