i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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