I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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