She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
