Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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