bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I pour the whiskey from now on
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
