the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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