The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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