Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize