Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
