neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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