i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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