Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
