I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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