so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
