I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
