Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
