the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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