I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
