i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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