I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
