I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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