Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
