the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
