Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Randomize