Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
