I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
