i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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