you traded sex for a burrito?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
