i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I think your dad took our porno
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
